Thursday, June 19, 2014

Mojo wanted: apply within

So I've been MIA.  Here's the lowdown.

Thanksgiving came and went, and I ate a lot but could have eaten SO MUCH MORE if I weren't banded. My brother in law is a genius with the TG food. Frequent/consistent exercise continued through December. Good girl.

January 4th I put my house on the market, proclaiming that the commute was impossible for me to continue. The plan was to do a short sale, which should, in theory, take forever. The listing went live on January 7th, had my first showing on the 8th and that person made an offer on the 10th that I accepted. This was going along so well.

And then, on January 14th, my husband was fired from his job.

So...this was the beginning of some of the most stress-fill weeks I've ever had. The exercise started falling apart. I had to cancel my Alter-G appointments and my personal training because we couldn't afford it. We were in a wash of unknown for 6 weeks as to whether or not my husband was even going to be eligible for unemployment benefits. Being fired was new territory for both of us to navigate. 

We were somewhat comforted with the knowledge that short-sales should take 4-5 months to complete and I was negotiating with a NOTORIOUSLY difficult company.

However, by some miracle...that notoriously difficult company approved my short sale in 30 days...leaving us with less than a month to find a new place to live.

So then I entered into panic mode trying to find a house that would accept me with my marred short-sale credit (the only bad thing on my credit) and my husband with horrible credit, two kids and no job...and 3 dogs.

We were rejected by several houses before we finally gave up and applied for and were accepted by the house that I SWORE we would NEVER rent after my first viewing of it. Upon walking in I was immediately met by two things, a 2 foot section of the floor in the entry hallway was missing and the house smelled of urine. The cute little kitchen advertised in the listing was trashed, to include the orange stained popcorn ceiling from all the oil/grease used over the years. The floor of the bathtub was completely covered in rust. The parquet floors throughout had been neglected, the carpets were stained and I SWEAR nothing had been cleaned in at least 5 years. But after being denied by other homes (claiming we had too many dogs), we simply ran out of time and options and "settled" for this one.

We rented it, with the lousy property manager assuring us the tub would be fixed and the floor replaced before we moved in. It took 3 weeks for the tub to finally be re-finished. As of this writing (3 months after we moved in), the floor STILL has not been replaced.

We spent the next few weeks furiously packing the old house and cleaning the new one to make it habitable. According to my calendar I did not formally "exercise" the entire month of March. 

And then I had a hysterectomy on April 9th... exercise the entire month of April, too....and most of May.

Oh gets better.

On March 13 I had my 3 year lap-band follow up with Kat who (along with another NP named Jen) had been doing my fills since 2011. At that time we discussed the issues I had been having and she did a barium swallow and found a "small area of pouch dilation" but something that was "not large enough to cause concern" or even to cause her to want to un-fill the band. She said that I needed to be aware of it, treat the band better and give it a break so that hopefully it would have time to heal but otherwise all was well. She also said I didn't need to do anything in anticipation of the hysterectomy. I told her about my concerns about gaining weight after the surgery and how I was happy to at least have the band to help limit my portions while I'm stuck NOT exercising for 8 weeks. We talked a bit about that and some reminders to cope with boredom eating and such. And then she informed me she and Jen were leaving the practice for other non-band related work. She was being replaced by this new person (I will call her "C") who I would see in the future for band appointments. Sad news...I was going to miss both of them.

As the surgery date approached and I continued the high stress of unpacking, the continuous hormonal fluctuations with my almost constant period, my band just became more and more of an issue. One day, only 10 days before my scheduled surgery, I had a particularly bad episode of getting stuck/vomiting over lunch. Later that night, I attempted to take my night-time medication and it was incredibly uncomfortable going down. Like really uncomfortable...and then I started thinking..."what if the band gets tight because of the surgery", and then "what if it gets so tight that I can't take my pain meds"...and that was when I decided I needed a "slight un-fill". So I scheduled an appointment.

I walked into that appointment with every intention of having 2cc's of the 8.5cc's in my 11cc band removed. I walked out with NOTHING. 




I was horrified.

The new person is new to the gastric band world...and does everything "by the book"...and apparently the book says that a band must be unfilled prior to surgery, so that is what we were going to do. I had no say in the matter. 

Never-mind the fact that if I had NEVER called to schedule that appointment, I would have had the surgery with my full band...with the support of someone with 15 years of experience behind me. Nope...that didn't matter at all.

The massive emotions around this were unbelievable. How was I ever going to survive 6-8 weeks of NO EXERCISE and NO FOOD RESTRICTION? In my head I was sure I was going to back up to 275 pounds before this was over...convinced of it. Rational? No...but the fear was real.

She told me I could start having fills again right after as soon as I could drive myself, I was in there. 16 days post-op. I returned for the second fill 4 weeks later. At this point I have 6 of the 8cc's back in. I'm terrified to get on a scale...I pretty much had a food party for the last 2 months. Even with 5cc's back in, I can still eat anything. "Control" is not a word in my vocabulary lately.

As per my usual, I just started feeling some of the benefits of the fill in the last few days. I don't have any kind of restriction, but I am feeling different/less hungry. Unfortunately, that hasn't stopped me from eating. I don't think I'm perfectly in the green zone, but something is working. 

I'm back at work this week and having an easier time of controlling intake during my work day, but I'm still struggling at home in the evening and on weekends. 

I really want my mojo back.

Also I'm cleared to exercise again with no restrictions. Now...I just need to DO it.

I don't like how I look in the mirror right now. It makes me sad to see how far I've slid back. :(

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