Friday, June 27, 2014

Weigh in Friday - Maybe this is my new thing?

Heading the right direction so far.

Today's challenges...a "Taco Bar" and my favorite cake at a retirement event for a teammate over the lunch hour. Yum!

So...I started the day with an ounce of cheese and an apple for breakfast and I'm hoping to keep my calories within reason at lunch.

Since last Friday I've gotten 3 days of exercise in. Not stellar...but better than nothing. I'm hoping for more in the next week.

Sunday I'm taking a train ride to Portland to visit my sister-in-law and her husband for the day. I'm excited about this trip...though there will be food. Again, hoping to keep things within reason...and hoping to get an hour of HIIT in before I get on the train.

Doing better in general with food this week. Just have to keep working at it. I'm still able to eat more than I should probably be able to. But I'm also still "testing" the limit, which I shouldn't be doing. Case in point....I ate a burger with a bun (I did count the calories). The problem is I comfortably ate the whole thing whereas the smart thing to do would to have not even TRIED eating the bun. Ugh. When will I learn?

Trying to listen to my body and only eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm satiated...but my mouth over-rides this a lot of the time. More work to be done.

I hope the scale is lower again next Friday.

Friday, June 20, 2014

Accountability...and also, it's not ALL bad

After feeling like I have been beating myself up pretty badly lately, I sat down and tried to focus on the "positive" things I have going for me right now:

  • I have not PB'd or vomited since having the band completely unfilled in April. I think I have successfully allowed that funky little pouch to heal.
  • I want to exercise, and I am able to exercise. I just need to commit to the exercise. I have time. I have programs. I have ability. I have no excuses.
  • I have avoided the office candy bowl and most unhealthy choices in the cafeteria since returning to work. (There was free cake on Wednesday...I ate one "normal size" serving, and that was all)
  • I'm doing better with drinking water, especially while at work. I need to bring that focus home again.
  • Having my old blogs to reference has been ENORMOUSLY beneficial to help me see where I need to make adjustments. Part of the reason I write a blog post when I get into these BAD times is with the intent of maintaining the ONE thing that I've consistently used as a point of reference. My hope is to start adding positive posts again. Posts with the weight going DOWN again. Posts with progress pictures again. Posts that remind me of what works when I'm doing things RIGHT.
  • With that...I decided yesterday that no matter what, no matter how matter how shameful, that I would post my weight today. It's time to be accountable again.
All that said, I still binged when I got home from work yesterday. And I also didn't work out. This is all still a work in progress.

In trying to get my mojo back, I've been reading online a bunch of things. I found this link to be full of helpful reminders. It's all stuff I know...but it's always nice to read it all in one place, and from people that have been successful.

Food plan for today:

It's becoming apparent to me the last couple days that I don't have an adequate plan for dinner when I get home...which may be helping the binging problem along. Also...having binge-worthy food in the house is a problem. I see I need to be more prepared. I think I keep going in with the " I have about 300 calories left to spend when I get home, so I will be ok" attitude, and then I get home with no ACTUAL plan and screw it up and eat everything in sight.

I need a plan and then I need to stick to the plan. That is the goal for the next few days.


Perhaps tonight's dinner will be one of my favorite frozen meals...while I figure out what the hell it was I used to eat for dinner and make sure my cabinets are properly stocked.

Also...just as a note if the peeps at SparkPeople were ever to come across this particular blog in the great big would be nice to be able to track a "plan" vs. "actual". I'm probably the only person that wants this feature, but I want to be able to write out my plan for the day (like I did in the image above", and then somehow show what I have actually consumed, like maybe a checkbox or something next to each thing if I actually ate it. Just a weird thought. Probably not helpful to anyone in the long run.

Thursday, June 19, 2014

Mojo wanted: apply within

So I've been MIA.  Here's the lowdown.

Thanksgiving came and went, and I ate a lot but could have eaten SO MUCH MORE if I weren't banded. My brother in law is a genius with the TG food. Frequent/consistent exercise continued through December. Good girl.

January 4th I put my house on the market, proclaiming that the commute was impossible for me to continue. The plan was to do a short sale, which should, in theory, take forever. The listing went live on January 7th, had my first showing on the 8th and that person made an offer on the 10th that I accepted. This was going along so well.

And then, on January 14th, my husband was fired from his job.

So...this was the beginning of some of the most stress-fill weeks I've ever had. The exercise started falling apart. I had to cancel my Alter-G appointments and my personal training because we couldn't afford it. We were in a wash of unknown for 6 weeks as to whether or not my husband was even going to be eligible for unemployment benefits. Being fired was new territory for both of us to navigate. 

We were somewhat comforted with the knowledge that short-sales should take 4-5 months to complete and I was negotiating with a NOTORIOUSLY difficult company.

However, by some miracle...that notoriously difficult company approved my short sale in 30 days...leaving us with less than a month to find a new place to live.

So then I entered into panic mode trying to find a house that would accept me with my marred short-sale credit (the only bad thing on my credit) and my husband with horrible credit, two kids and no job...and 3 dogs.

We were rejected by several houses before we finally gave up and applied for and were accepted by the house that I SWORE we would NEVER rent after my first viewing of it. Upon walking in I was immediately met by two things, a 2 foot section of the floor in the entry hallway was missing and the house smelled of urine. The cute little kitchen advertised in the listing was trashed, to include the orange stained popcorn ceiling from all the oil/grease used over the years. The floor of the bathtub was completely covered in rust. The parquet floors throughout had been neglected, the carpets were stained and I SWEAR nothing had been cleaned in at least 5 years. But after being denied by other homes (claiming we had too many dogs), we simply ran out of time and options and "settled" for this one.

We rented it, with the lousy property manager assuring us the tub would be fixed and the floor replaced before we moved in. It took 3 weeks for the tub to finally be re-finished. As of this writing (3 months after we moved in), the floor STILL has not been replaced.

We spent the next few weeks furiously packing the old house and cleaning the new one to make it habitable. According to my calendar I did not formally "exercise" the entire month of March. 

And then I had a hysterectomy on April 9th... exercise the entire month of April, too....and most of May.

Oh gets better.

On March 13 I had my 3 year lap-band follow up with Kat who (along with another NP named Jen) had been doing my fills since 2011. At that time we discussed the issues I had been having and she did a barium swallow and found a "small area of pouch dilation" but something that was "not large enough to cause concern" or even to cause her to want to un-fill the band. She said that I needed to be aware of it, treat the band better and give it a break so that hopefully it would have time to heal but otherwise all was well. She also said I didn't need to do anything in anticipation of the hysterectomy. I told her about my concerns about gaining weight after the surgery and how I was happy to at least have the band to help limit my portions while I'm stuck NOT exercising for 8 weeks. We talked a bit about that and some reminders to cope with boredom eating and such. And then she informed me she and Jen were leaving the practice for other non-band related work. She was being replaced by this new person (I will call her "C") who I would see in the future for band appointments. Sad news...I was going to miss both of them.

As the surgery date approached and I continued the high stress of unpacking, the continuous hormonal fluctuations with my almost constant period, my band just became more and more of an issue. One day, only 10 days before my scheduled surgery, I had a particularly bad episode of getting stuck/vomiting over lunch. Later that night, I attempted to take my night-time medication and it was incredibly uncomfortable going down. Like really uncomfortable...and then I started thinking..."what if the band gets tight because of the surgery", and then "what if it gets so tight that I can't take my pain meds"...and that was when I decided I needed a "slight un-fill". So I scheduled an appointment.

I walked into that appointment with every intention of having 2cc's of the 8.5cc's in my 11cc band removed. I walked out with NOTHING. 




I was horrified.

The new person is new to the gastric band world...and does everything "by the book"...and apparently the book says that a band must be unfilled prior to surgery, so that is what we were going to do. I had no say in the matter. 

Never-mind the fact that if I had NEVER called to schedule that appointment, I would have had the surgery with my full band...with the support of someone with 15 years of experience behind me. Nope...that didn't matter at all.

The massive emotions around this were unbelievable. How was I ever going to survive 6-8 weeks of NO EXERCISE and NO FOOD RESTRICTION? In my head I was sure I was going to back up to 275 pounds before this was over...convinced of it. Rational? No...but the fear was real.

She told me I could start having fills again right after as soon as I could drive myself, I was in there. 16 days post-op. I returned for the second fill 4 weeks later. At this point I have 6 of the 8cc's back in. I'm terrified to get on a scale...I pretty much had a food party for the last 2 months. Even with 5cc's back in, I can still eat anything. "Control" is not a word in my vocabulary lately.

As per my usual, I just started feeling some of the benefits of the fill in the last few days. I don't have any kind of restriction, but I am feeling different/less hungry. Unfortunately, that hasn't stopped me from eating. I don't think I'm perfectly in the green zone, but something is working. 

I'm back at work this week and having an easier time of controlling intake during my work day, but I'm still struggling at home in the evening and on weekends. 

I really want my mojo back.

Also I'm cleared to exercise again with no restrictions. Now...I just need to DO it.

I don't like how I look in the mirror right now. It makes me sad to see how far I've slid back. :(