Thursday, April 19, 2012

I need a fill

I've given in and have scheduled a fill appointment for next week.

I'm back to exercising 5-6 days a week, but diet wise...I can eat too much and am hungry a lot and have lost every bit of willpower I've enjoyed in the last year. I'm still hovering around 185 for months now...and worst of all, I've been contemplating "crash diets", which this whole band thing was supposed to STOP me from doing. So yes...I think it's time for a fill.

My last fill appears to have been November least from what I can tell on my calendar, since I apparently didn't blog about it. So…4.5 months….that’s not too bad. The thing that is getting me right now is that I do occasionally get stuck…but when I really break down the behavior that is causing that to happen, it points back around to me needing a fill. The problem is that I can eat too much food right now, and I get really, REALLY hungry…so the combination of knowing I can eat more than I should and being really hungry can occasionally cause me to eat too much too fast. That is usually when the stuckness happens.

My hope with this fill is that I will be restricted to the point of a) not being really hungry all the time (right now I’m searching for food every 1.5 hours) and b) taking smaller bites and eating slowly because I have little choice to do otherwise. As it is right now, I can down 2 cake donuts in 5 minutes…yes, I know I shouldn’t be eating donuts…but right now I’m struggling with willpower like you would not believe…but I REALLY would love it if I could stop at ½ of one donut and be done. I’d like it better if I didn’t want the dang donut at all…I’m hoping those days come back around. I miss them. *sigh*

I’m sitting here in my size 12 jeans…so proud to be in them, yet so disgusted with the fact that I ate two freakin donuts today. I just can’t wrap my head around this form of self-sabotage.

In other news…

Wedding planning is in full effect. I’m very excited by how “do it yourself” it is and how much my friends and family are participating in making it wonderful. My budget is somewhere around $6000ish (minus the rings/honeymoon) and it seems to all be coming together. I have stuff on loan, and home-made stuff, and DIY stuff that otherwise cost a fortune (e.g., Scott REALLY wanted a photo booth…so I found a way to give him one without spending $800-$1200 that those services seem to be asking). I have friends of friends doing photos and DJing and found a super-cost effective alternative to the caterer we wanted, all for a fraction of the going rate.

I hope you all won’t mind me sharing my pictures of the whole thing in September. It will NOT be a low calorie event, so if food porn is a trigger for you, you might not want to look at the photos. I’m planning comfort food and a desert buffet for goodness sake! I hope Frito Bandito holds me together that day for my own sake! (On a side note, my sister had all the fluid removed from her band for her wedding day…and then never had it re-filled….I’m currently NOT intending on making that same mistake).

Regarding wedding dresses, I already have one from my sister that is gorgeous, but I still wanted the chance to try on dresses because this is the only time in my life I’ll get that opportunity…so I did. Man…that was fun and yet a big fat bummer at the same time. I say this because while MOST of my body is a wedding dress size 14…my chest is apparently still a 14W. So I tried on a bunch, but the 14’s made my chest look bad (or wouldn’t close) and the 14Ws were too big in the waist. That was annoying…but I still had fun making myself look like a big puffy cupcake. :) See, look!

I rehired Mark, my personal trainer, to get me back on track with exercise. I’m seeing him 2 days a week for the last month or so now…so glad I did that. I wish I could always afford to have a drill sergeant by my side. But I’m happy to be back in the swing of things again. The surgery I had in January threw me off track so bad. UGH! I don’t want that to happen again!

The bonus-mom thing…well as much as I adore the kids, we have our moments. I do love them…but whining and tantrums…oy vey…please tell me this is a phase that will end sooner rather than later??? I hope. My weekends are SWALLOWED up by kid-time activities now. I have occasionally scheduled a training session with Mark for first thing Saturday morning just to have an excuse to GET OUT of the house and get the workout done. It is soooo much easier to do that then to go do an hour on the elliptical when the kids are tugging on you for one reason or another. I justify this by reminding myself that my time for self-improvement IS important…and I’m worth it.

Here’s some more photo’s, just for the heck of it.

This is from date night last friday

The girls drawing on me with chalk

I now own a tutu...I love it!

I love this picture of Nev, even though it was on accident
I'll strive to be a better blogger...
Till next time!

1 comment:

  1. Oh, yeah the tantrums and whining will end. I'm assuming you're the one throwing them, right? LOL - kidding.

    What a beautiful bride you are! Congratulations! It sounds like a fill is just what you need to keep things moving.