Last night I went out with my girl friends to go dancing. My circle of friends are all "BBW's"...we, historically, have all been roughly the same size (22-28's all around) except for one friend who was smaller (about an 18/20 or smaller). Well when I was out with a small group of these girls last night, one friend leaned over to me and asked "how does it feel to be the smallest girl in the group"...I laughed at the absurdity of the statement. Me? Small? Nooo...I'm just the same old Becki. "I'm not the smallest girl yet" I said to her. She looked at me like I had grown another head out of my neck. "No hun...you ARE the smallest in the group."
I don't FEEL like I'm smaller. I see the pictures, and I'm pleased with how I look and I know I'm being forced to buy smaller clothes...but I feel like I take up the same amount of space as I used to..I feel like when I stand with my group of friends that I'm just the same size as I always was...I still feel like a fat girl in a world of skinny people. In my head, nothing has changed. And then I see a picture and my head gets all screwed up.
If this is what it's like now, at only 205...what is it going to feel like at 180? Or at 160? Or at 145? Am I ever going to feel like what I see in the mirror?
I'm 11 days out from my last fill and just like clock-work, it has just started kicking in over the last day or so. Today I got up out of bed and ate a piece of cheese for breakfast. That was it...a piece of cheese. My thought process went something like this:
"Gosh I'm hungry. Well I better eat something so that I don't get ravenous later. I'm not really that hungry though...hmm...I really just need a small something to get in my system. I just need a little fuel. Food as fuel...isn't that what they always said? When did I turn into this person? When did stop being the girl that HAD to have something savory and delicious at every meal? Wait...my thoughts have wandered...what was I doing? Oh yeah...breakfast. I think I'll have a piece of cheese."
So I ate 1 oz of cheese and went about my day...not noticing the passage of time and no hunger to remind me that a meal time was approaching. That piece of cheese lasted about 3 hours as fuel in my system. HOT DOG my sweet spot is back! Oh sweet spot...how I have missed thee.
I just realized I never posted about my family bbq last weekend. Well, let me start by saying that as far as food went, I was quite pleased with how I did. I know I ate more spinach and artichoke dip than I should have (it's so good...can you blame me for not stopping?) but the rest of the meal was just right to make up for it. I had a QUARTER of a brat wrapped in bacon...no bun, just the brat....and I had 1 single meat ball. No burger and none of the other delicious food my sister made...just the dip, the 1/4 of a brat and a meat ball. Not bad. My sister and I later posed for this picture:
When I first got out of the car my sister exclaimed "Wow! You are smaller than me now!"...to which I rolled my eyes and said "yeah, sure I am"...and then I saw the picture above. Wow. My sister and I have never looked more alike...and never, EVER in my life have I ever been smaller than her. This is just too weird.
The family event was wonderful. My sister gave up a son for adoption when she had him at only 17. The boy is now 17 himself and drove up to meet all of us on this day. He has turned into an amazing young man...my sister absolutely made the right decision and placed him with an amazing family who raised him well. The best part of the day, however, was watching my sister's son fall all over himself over my dad's 17 year old Slovakian foreign exchange student. Ohhh....young love. It was so fun to watch this attraction play out right in front of all of us.
One more pic I wanted to share. I snapped this one last night and somehow ended up looking like Khloe Kardashian...which to me is awesome because I think she is beautiful. Now I'm not saying I'm the spitting image, but this picture just looked like her to me some how.
Oh and P.S...my face is now oval. My face has always, and I mean ALWAYS been ROUND...but clearly in the above pic it is apparent that my face is now an oval shape. I wish I could figure out how to put the pictures in "side by side" so you could see a comparison...but yeah...my face totally changed. You can see in the pic below how not only was my face round but also how I didn't look quite so much like my sister as I do now.
Weight wise...I'm perma-stuck above 200...my body is fighting this goal every step of the way...which I find really annoying. But it will come some day...I think. This morning I was 204...still not even at my lowest weight achieved a few weeks ago. I'm doing good things, working out, eating right...it will come, I'm just feeling a little impatient.