Thursday, March 3, 2011


I’m so confused, and sad, and feeling a little hopeless with a splash of angry. This is not at all weight related.

An old flame posted on his FB last night that he is having a baby. First…I didn’t even know he was seeing someone, but second, what kills me is the fact that I wanted kids is one of the reasons he pulled away to begin with.

I’ve been in love 4 times in my whole life…Andy, James, Lyall and this guy, R. There have been crushes and many, MANY first dates…some even “short relationships”, but only actually fell in love 4 times. R and I had a super strong connection, some smoking hot passion, and we could talk for hours and hours and hours. We had many common life experiences that we bonded over. I really loved him…but he was scared to death to be with someone because he had been so hurt in past relationships. My friends all called him “The relationship runner” before he and I ever got together…I shoulda listened but there is that part of you that always hopes that “it will be different if the bond is strong”…I guess I was wrong.

This opened up that scab a little bit…but the wound was deeply gouged by the next bit of news I received. A friends younger sister is pregnant. This sister won’t keep a job, relies on her parents for support, and is in the hospital every 2 weeks with complications due to diabetes because she refuses to take care of herself. She can have a baby…but I can’t.

I’ve wanted a family ever since I can remember. When I was with Andy, I waited because I wanted us to be married and I wanted to finish school, so I took proper precautions and managed to never get pregnant…even though he got everyone he touched pregnant. When I was with James we were careful…waiting for the “right time”. I spent all of my prime years “waiting for the right time”. When I turned 32 I decided I didn’t want to wait for “Mr. Wonderful” anymore and the time was right…I owned a home, a new car, and made $70k a year. I knew I wanted this and I did everything I could to make it happen. I worked with a fertility doctor, doing medications and inseminations. I went to an acupuncturist to regulate my cycles, I watched what I was eating…I did everything you can imagine. But after 2 years of trying…nothing. So I took a break from it needing some time to regroup. I took in a foreign exchange student for a year, sort of a test run for mothering a teenager. LOL…not quite the same, but it was something.

And then I got pregnant by accident when I was 34…but found out only after the miscarriage had already started. “Good news”, the doctor said, “at least we know you are capable of getting pregnant!”

I turn 37 in less than 2 weeks…I’m constantly being pressured by my doctors to have my ovaries removed because of my cancer risk. I’m bleeding 2-3 weeks at a time for my cycles now…and one of my cancer screenings just came back “elevated” enough to cause concern. It’s like the entire universe is against me having kids….but for everyone else, it just comes so damn easy. People that never even wanted kids have them…and yet I’ve wanted and waited for the “right time” my whole life, and where does it get me?

The whole cycle thing is driving me batty. I’m down 50 pounds from my heaviest and still fighting cycle issues. This is ridiculous. I feel like I can’t win. I’m nervous about the elevated HE4 test, but won’t know anything until the next round of blood tests. The only thing my doctor can do to control my bleeding is to put me on birth control…but I don’t want that because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to actually get pregnant.


AND then…I find out this morning, that there was some “catty talk” about me from a group of people I went dancing with a couple weeks ago. I didn’t even do ANYTHING and yet I’m being accused of flirting with other people’s boyfriends, who I don’t have the LEAST bit of interest in. WTF!!!!! Can’t I go out and have a fun night full of laughs and conversation without being accused of being a man-stealer? Really? I was dancing with GIRLS on the dance floor…I didn’t flirt with a single soul that night…so what am I supposed to do? Sit there on my hands and not smile? No…no…that will make me a stuck-up bitch…I’ve been called that before, too.

At least I have the working out/weight loss thing going for me…scale was down to 245.4 this morning. That’s something…


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  2. I've been on the same journey. I'm fixing to turn 32 and have been trying to have babies since I got married almost 10 years ago. We've went through the fertility treatments, which #4 is hopefully coming up next month, and so I know how emotionally and physically draining [and depressing] it can be. I find strength andcomfort through prayer and knowing that God does have a plan, even if it isn't on our time. Have you considered foster care? We did that for 2.5 years; it was great actually. Just know DCS is a bear to deal with....but if you foster, the adoption fee's are paid for by the state agency.
    Also, private adoption? I know it's so expensive. Also, considered IVF?

    I pray your tests come back with better results next and babies will find you. ♥ Have faith, my friend.

    And as for silly drama, I've learned to ignore it. In fact, about a year ago, I totally just seperate myself. Some people thrive on drama; apparently in this situation, they have some major insecurities, that I'm sure doesn't stem from you....

  3. It was nice meeting you today. Good luck with your journey, you'll do great! Hope you had fun shopping!

  4. Hiya...lap band girl sent me over!! Looking forward to getting to know you!! I have had issues holding pregnancies which is another reason I got the lap band...a week before you actually. Never had problems with my cycles but I did get on birth control right after surgery just because I want to lose as much as I can and get basically in 18 months I've had two miscarriages, major complications from those miscarriages, and lb surgery. Big year...but it all comes in time I hope

  5. Wow. I'm sorry you're suffering this way... I'm just visiting your blog for the first time, but wanted to say hello and that I'm here listening now.
    Hang in there-- I guess this is one of those very compounded rough times (where you find out bad news about an ex, where you feel like your life isn't exactly where you want it to be in all areas...)
    But you know what? There is always hope that you can get what you want- it just may not be exactly how you planned it out. Be open to possibilities and let time take its course... stay away from haters too. People who gossip behind your back are worse than no friends at all in my opinion.
    Can't wait to read more of your blog!!

  6. My sister went thru the same thing with wanting to have a baby, but that never happened and she ended up having to have surgery because of issues. It doesnt seem fair when there are those who want and would love a baby and those who shouldnt have abies have them left and right.
    But I honestly belive things happen for a reason, I would say to take care of yourself first and the rest will fall into place. There are wonderful men out there, sometimes you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the prince. LOL I found my prince from an online dateing network. :)
    As far as the bitchie comments, sounds to me that they are just jealous,that you managed to sparkle with a great personality and being a very pretty young lady and it showed how lacking they were and no where secure in their relationships with they husbands or boyfriends.

    Stay positive and I know GREAT things will come your way.

  7. Hello! I am a new follower...

    I am so sorry you're going through such inner turmoil and struggles right now. You will be in my thoughts and prayers... being infertile is one of my biggest fears and my fiance and get married and begin to have a family.. hugs!

  8. Hey just checking in on your blog for the first time... I was banded last March. *Maria*-DiZneDiVa-"This one time at BAND Camp..." Follow my journey at

  9. Hey girl!! Im a first timer to your blog!! Just found you today...I was banded in October 2009 and wouldnt change it for the world! Im sorry you are going through those struggles right now! I feel for you! Sometimes it does seem like no one is on your side but keep your head up, know that God is always with you and keep on trucking!! You got this girlfriend! Check out my blog whenever you want :)

  10. Hi BJ, I just found your blog and read this post. I don't know if you'll see this comment or not, but I wanted to tell you how sorry I am. It isn't fair or right. I hope you can figure out how to make it happen for you. Parenthood doesn't always look like we think it will. Sometimes we conceive after fertility treatments, sometimes we adopt, sometimes we become foster parents, sometimes we mentor an at-risk youth or become a special aunt to a beloved niece or nephew. If you have this desire in your heart and are open to the possibilities, I know there is a child out there for you!