I’m so confused, and sad, and feeling a little hopeless with a splash of angry. This is not at all weight related.
An old flame posted on his FB last night that he is having a baby. First…I didn’t even know he was seeing someone, but second, what kills me is the fact that I wanted kids is one of the reasons he pulled away to begin with.
I’ve been in love 4 times in my whole life…Andy, James, Lyall and this guy, R. There have been crushes and many, MANY first dates…some even “short relationships”, but only actually fell in love 4 times. R and I had a super strong connection, some smoking hot passion, and we could talk for hours and hours and hours. We had many common life experiences that we bonded over. I really loved him…but he was scared to death to be with someone because he had been so hurt in past relationships. My friends all called him “The relationship runner” before he and I ever got together…I shoulda listened but there is that part of you that always hopes that “it will be different if the bond is strong”…I guess I was wrong.
This opened up that scab a little bit…but the wound was deeply gouged by the next bit of news I received. A friends younger sister is pregnant. This sister won’t keep a job, relies on her parents for support, and is in the hospital every 2 weeks with complications due to diabetes because she refuses to take care of herself. She can have a baby…but I can’t.
I’ve wanted a family ever since I can remember. When I was with Andy, I waited because I wanted us to be married and I wanted to finish school, so I took proper precautions and managed to never get pregnant…even though he got everyone he touched pregnant. When I was with James we were careful…waiting for the “right time”. I spent all of my prime years “waiting for the right time”. When I turned 32 I decided I didn’t want to wait for “Mr. Wonderful” anymore and the time was right…I owned a home, a new car, and made $70k a year. I knew I wanted this and I did everything I could to make it happen. I worked with a fertility doctor, doing medications and inseminations. I went to an acupuncturist to regulate my cycles, I watched what I was eating…I did everything you can imagine. But after 2 years of trying…nothing. So I took a break from it needing some time to regroup. I took in a foreign exchange student for a year, sort of a test run for mothering a teenager. LOL…not quite the same, but it was something.
And then I got pregnant by accident when I was 34…but found out only after the miscarriage had already started. “Good news”, the doctor said, “at least we know you are capable of getting pregnant!”
I turn 37 in less than 2 weeks…I’m constantly being pressured by my doctors to have my ovaries removed because of my cancer risk. I’m bleeding 2-3 weeks at a time for my cycles now…and one of my cancer screenings just came back “elevated” enough to cause concern. It’s like the entire universe is against me having kids….but for everyone else, it just comes so damn easy. People that never even wanted kids have them…and yet I’ve wanted and waited for the “right time” my whole life, and where does it get me?
The whole cycle thing is driving me batty. I’m down 50 pounds from my heaviest and still fighting cycle issues. This is ridiculous. I feel like I can’t win. I’m nervous about the elevated HE4 test, but won’t know anything until the next round of blood tests. The only thing my doctor can do to control my bleeding is to put me on birth control…but I don’t want that because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to actually get pregnant.
HOW IN THE HELL DID I MAKE IT TO 37 AND AM STILL SINGLE WITH NO KIDS????????????
AND then…I find out this morning, that there was some “catty talk” about me from a group of people I went dancing with a couple weeks ago. I didn’t even do ANYTHING and yet I’m being accused of flirting with other people’s boyfriends, who I don’t have the LEAST bit of interest in. WTF!!!!! Can’t I go out and have a fun night full of laughs and conversation without being accused of being a man-stealer? Really? I was dancing with GIRLS on the dance floor…I didn’t flirt with a single soul that night…so what am I supposed to do? Sit there on my hands and not smile? No…no…that will make me a stuck-up bitch…I’ve been called that before, too.
At least I have the working out/weight loss thing going for me…scale was down to 245.4 this morning. That’s something…