Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Officially counting down the days till fill #3

4 days...I gotta get through 4 days. Today was a nightmare! I caved...I totally caved! I had 260 calories worth of Doritos, 2 Jack in the Box tacos and a small order of fries...NONE of which were in my original plan for the day. My total caloric intake for today is 1750 with a whopping 53 grams of protein...hells bells, I get more protein on my 1000 calorie days! UGH Over 900 calories after 5pm ALONE!

I'm trying to stay calm about could have been way worse. I could have made horrible choices all day long instead of JUST after 5pm. And It's 1750 calories...not 2750 calories. It was just so wreckless and easy and I don't want to fall into old patterns.

Tomorrow will be better.

I'm taking a rest day from working out today because my right hip and both hip flexors are absolutely killing me...but it's the first rest day I've had since Friday. The trainer comes again is somewhat easier to control calories on workout days (although this didn't prove true yesterday where I still ate almost 1300ish calories, but at least I workedout).

It is absolutely amazing to me the difference between last week and this week with the restriction. I think we can safely assume that the 2 weeks before my period are going to be "tightish" from now on...but whatever restriction I once had is now gone...and so are the scale lows...and my ankle bones. Hopefully I will reunite with all these soon...till then it's back to the 240's on the scale, fluffy ankles and hunger every hour. Oy.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Yeah....I need a fill now.

So I'm thinking last weeks "tightness" was definitely hormonal....cuz my period started yesterday, and magically I can now eat pretty much like a cow. Well...maybe a small cow. So...good news is that I'm scheduled for one on the 4th...and I just need to stick to my regular eating plan through the week and try to not "supplement" it when I get hungry.

Weekends with friends are rough...rougher when you have monster cramps and totally want to give in to every temptation. UGH!!!

Good news is that I kept up my exercise schedule over the weekend...that's about the only thing I did right. Well...I also turned down multiple offers for alcohol...which would be fine if I hadn't consumed the same number of calories in Doritos and maybe I shoulda just drank anyway. LOL

Scale is currently up a little...pretty sure the entire amount of the gain is in my incredibly sore boobs.

I'm gonna go cuddle with a heating pad now. Hope everyone had a great weekend.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I'm in the 230's!!!

I'm so exhausted and am going to keep this short...but I made it to the 230's!!!! I'm so happy!!!

And to mark the occasion, I had a friend take this pic of me at the office today...which I plan on using on my dating profile, cuz I think I look good! Some of my friends even used the word "skinny"...LMAO...I'm not skinny, but a great compliment none the less!

In other news, I was wrong about the eyes...nothing has changed, as much as I wish it would. At least I didn't get TOO hung up over it this time...I was prepared. But damn...why does he have to look at me with "I'm so madly in love with you" eyes....WTH?

Frito Bandito seems to be a little snug this week, although I think it improved today over yesterday. It's not tight enough to prevent me from eating and drinking, but I was constantly feeling that little lump in the back of my throat for a couple days and water was going down slower than usual. Now I'm REALLY glad I didn't get my scheduled fill on monday!

My sheer exhaustion today is keeping me from doing a workout. :(  I feel bad about this...but I think I would feel worse if I actually tried to do it. I'll figure out a way to make up for it friday even though I don't have time after work. I'll figure something out. I don't want to get off my 6 days a week streak I have going on.

Hope everyone is having a great week! I'm off to bed!

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Another fantastic weekend in the books

First of all…wow…40 Followers! You don’t know how awesome it is to know I have people out there that read this…and it truly helps me stay accountable. Thank you for following!!!

Friday night I was finally discharged from PT for the back pain that my workouts had caused. YAY! I’m usually NOT happy about being discharged from PT, but I feel very much like any progress I’m going to make now on the walking front is going to come with the improvements that I make with my fitness…so I’m ok not going to PT anymore…I do better on my own anyway. In this case, I really just wanted to learn how to exercise without causing so much extra pain…and I accomplished that.

After I finally got home at 8:30, I had to bathe my dog since his daycare had let him play in the rain all day.

This is my dog Peyton...looking very tired and totally resigned to the "bath time" situation...if you knew Peyton, you know that him sitting still for anything is nothing short of a miracle.

Post-bath, pre-blow dry...he's such a doll though. Isn't he the cutest dog ever???

Once this was finished, I began my first round of “power cooking” for my freezer. I made 10 servings of chili, 4 servings of Irish oatmeal, and 7 servings of spaghetti sauce over Dreamfields pasta. Everything was packaged in my individual serving containers and in the freezer before bed. It was my first time using Dreamfields…I had one of these single serving packs for dinner tonight…pretty good actually.

Saturday I got up and worked out for 65 minutes on my elliptical…I’m so damn proud of that!

I tried to get a picture of my dripping sweat after the workout...but I don't think it came out.

I then went to a movie with my friend Alan (where I ate a single Twizzler and I don’t feel a single bit of guilt about it) then did some cleaning and put together my WORLD FAMOUS (ok, maybe a slight exaggeration) spinach artichoke dip and then headed over to Alan’s where we enjoyed the dip and he gave me my birthday massage. Fabulous. He really gives great massages!!! The dip, by the way, is about as high fat/high calorie as you can get. But I pre-portioned a few tortilla chips into a little baggie for myself and limited myself to that amount. I also ate pretty light the rest of the day to save room for this. We had planned this because we had ordered the dip at Applebee’s the week before and it was just dreck…mine is so much better.

This morning I got up and did my Tabata workout for 60 minutes, started a batch of “sweet and spicey short ribs” in the slow cooker, and then…

…then…I sorta…well…ummm….partially hurled myself into a possible emotional nightmare. It was planned though…and so far, I’m not reeling.

My ex came over and we spent the entire afternoon together. And it was pleasant…and easy…and fun…but I kept telling myself “it’s nothing, don’t make a big deal out of it”…and I know it was nothing….but when he was leaving he gave me “the eyes”…the ones that confuse me. I can’t get wrapped into him again unless I know he wants what I want this time…so for now, I’m trying to not let “the eyes” get to me. But it’s so hard…ugh…

I went into this weekend really trying to pay attention to my current band status so I could figure out if I should get the fill tomorrow or not. I gotta tell ya…I’ve been torn. Sometimes I feel like I need it, and then sometimes I’m afraid I won’t get enough calories if I get it. At this point, I’m pretty firmly in the “wait two more weeks” camp…so tomorrow morning I will call them at 8 a.m. and cancel. Wow…I just can’t believe I’m doing it. My scale is at 241 today. I didn’t make it to the 239 I was hoping for before tomorrow, but I’m so happy with how things are going.

Have I mentioned lately how happy I am with my decision to get the band…cuz I am…I wish I could have done this years ago!

One last picture...LOOK! I have collar bones and I'm not even TRYING to pose to show my collar bones...they are just there!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I think I'm "in the zone"

I'm totally having a hard time believing it because I'm only 2 fills in...but I seriously think I'm in the zone. For now...anyway. I know things can change as I continue to lose. But I'm eating 1000-1200 calories a day and I'm rarely hungry. Granted this change seriously just started since maybe it's hormonal, but wow...I feel right. I also feel like if I get the fill Monday that I won't be able to get "enough" food in to keep my furnace burning. It seems bizarre to me that this change just kicked in a couple days ago--4 weeks since my last fill...I'll never understand how that works. LOL

I called Dr. H's office today to see when my last chance to cancel next Monday's fill appointment would be...I was told I would be fine cancelling up to an hour I'm gonna see how this weekend goes and decide Monday morning. In the mean time, I've also scheduled another appointment for April 6 just in case I do decide to cancel Monday.

I've become totally addicted to photographing my morning weights now...thanks to the Spring Challenge. I know we only need to photograph the first and last entry...but I secretly (not so secretly anymore!) love having the pic to look at when I need motivation. Today, when I got home from work, I really didn't want to work out...but I looked at this mornings weight pic (which was a new low), and thought to "if I get out there and do my workout, this will go down more" I did.

Then I went out to the elliptical and told myself "just do 20 minutes at least...just so you can say you did something". Then 20 turned into 30...then 30 turned into 45! I so was planning to quit at 20 minutes and I still rocked out 45!!! WOHOO!!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Hey...I'm getting good at this picture thing!

Yesterday the hours just FLEW by…which was fabulous during the work day, but they continued their warp speed when I got home and ultimately resulted in me getting to bed way too late and having a lousy night sleep.

Generally speaking, yesterday was a weird band day. And by weird, I mean good…I just don’t know what or why it was “different”. I ate my oatmeal for breakfast at 8am, and then sipped a cup of tea and drank water for the next few hours. I never got hungry…not even for my favorite mid-morning snack. Halfway through the lunch hour I finally “decided” that I needed to eat because I wasn’t going to get another chance, so I finally heated up my chili. I ate it slowly, and didn’t even dive into my usual sugar-free pudding desert. Around 4pm I went ahead and ate my 5 mini-crackers and laughing cow cheese but still really wasn’t that hungry. I then drank my protein shake on the way home. It was bizarre to me to not be hungry at all through the whole day. I have no idea what has changed.

When I got home I started preparing my BBQ chicken for this week’s lunches and finally “sorta” got a little hungry so I ate one serving of it before my workout. I’m pretty sure, however, that if I had not started messing with prepping the food, the hunger still wouldn’t have come back.

I did 45 minutes on the elliptical last night, working up a hard-core sweat. I put in a really hard Tabata session on Sunday before my birthday dinner and boy were my abs feeling it yesterday! I’m bummed to say, however, after all this, that my scale is still trending up this week. Frustrating…but since I know I’m doing everything right, I’m not going to let it get to me.

My darling Adrienn, my cube-mate at work, brought in a bunch of size 18/20 shirts for me today. YAYYYY! Free clothes to get me through for the next little while…how exciting!!! And they are so cute…can’t wait to get home to try stuff on.

I took a couple of pics today of what my weekday lunchbox looks like. For the most part, this is all the food I will eat during the day. If I have time and or calories left when I get home, I might have something else…but this is pretty much it.

I love this lunch box because it has a little plastic liner-bucket that I can pull out and stick in the fridge or wash if stuff spills in it. It’s pretty much the right size for most anything I put in there.

Here is everything pulled out. So today’s lunchbox includes a container of pre-cooked frozen oatmeal, bbq chicken (actually two servings worth in that container), lettuce in a bowl large enough to mix up my bbq chicken salad. There is also .20 oz of shredded cheddar and 3 tortilla chips for the salad as well. I also have a cheese stick, a Laughing Cow cheese wedge, 5 mini 12-grain crackers, a pudding cup (sugar free), jell-o cup (sugar free), yogurt cup and a protein shake.

So that’s it…that is almost exactly how I pack my bag every day except the main course changes. Sometimes it’s a bowl of chili, sometimes it’s fixins for a wrap (which this bbq chicken stuff tastes FABULOUS in!), sometimes it’s soup. MANY times some of these food items go home with me. I’m not big on Jell-o, and the yogurt get’s skipped more often than not, but I always pack them in case I have one of those munchy days.

And finally…here is a picture of my pathetic pants. As I said yesterday…my butt is shrinking. This “shrinkage” is causing the legs of my pants to “grow” in length…and now all my pants look stupid on me. Look! And I step on them ALL THE TIME! UGHHH!!!! I need my mom! She could sew…I can barely sew a button, let alone a hem. Not sure how my pant legs are going to survive this transitional time in my life.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Closet win!

Check this out. This is a Jones New York size 3X that has been hanging in my closet for roughly 10 years. I think I've worn it once before today...and not comfortably. Now...I'm afraid I'm going to have to wear it a lot over the next few weeks because it's already getting a little big. Not that I'm complaining!!!

We don't have full length mirrors in the office bathroom or else I'd show you how my shrinking ASS is making my pants all too long! :(  I need a seamstress! Walking on the hem of my pants ALL the TIME is so not graceful! LOL

Birthday Wrap Up and a Reality Check

I had a wonderful birthday weekend, starting with dinner and a comedy show Friday night, then a spa day with my girlfriends on Saturday where I got my nails done, sat in the 150 degree Charcoal and Sand rooms, and had a Korean Body scrub. Oh if only I were rich…this would be a regular part of my life. The body scrub would be at LEAST a weekly occurrence. I just love having this done…it feels amazing and your skin feels so baby soft for days afterward. Loved it!!! I think I should do it again when I lose my next 30 lbs. I was gonna say 50 lbs, but I don’t want to wait that long!

At the spa I had lunch with the girls where I ordered yakisoba and chicken. My second bite of the yakisoba noodles was WAY too big (my fault) and I had to stop eating for a few minutes to let it go down. Not “stuck”…just a slow motion trip to the stomach. I then spent the rest of the meal fishing through my noodles for the chicken and taking only an occasional SMALL bite of noodles…lesson learned.

After the spa we went out for Mexican to “re-tox” our freshly de-toxed bodies. Yeah…I can still eat way more tortilla chips than I should. These will continue to be a “red light” food for me (as we used to call it in my Weight Watchers days). However, I played a little “care free” because it was my birthday weekend. I ordered a grilled chicken quesadilla, ate half and took the rest home and ate it on sunday. I did decline ALL offers for “birthday beverages” this weekend…so I saved some unnecessary calories there.

After we got home from the spa we proceeded with a planned “clothing swap”. Several of us are shrinking out of the larger sizes though, so we had less of a swap and more of a “gathering of big clothes”. A few things were exchanged thanks to two of our friends that regularly wear 18/20’s. The mass amount of clothes we had left over is going to be donated to a clothing drive we are having at my office this week for some local programs designed to help people get the clothes they need to interview and hopefully get jobs.

Sunday was exactly what I planned. I slept in as long as I could…then did a hard-core workout, and then went to dinner with one of my dearest friends. We went to Applebee’s, which is NOT my favorite place to eat. We shared a spinach and artichoke dip appetizer (and decided that mine is WAY better and I need to make it soon), of which I ate a few tablespoons full…which is really high calorie. For dinner I ordered the ½ order of the Oriental Chicken Salad…and mostly just ate the chicken out of it since there wasn’t much lettuce but a whole ton of cabbage, carrots, almonds and crispy wonton noodles. I used about 1 teaspoon of the dressing provided. All in all, I’d say a “win” since the nutrition information suggested the ½ salad with dressing is 600 calories and I would bet I ate only 400 total.

We then shared the chocolate overload desert with ice cream. I ate 5 fantastic bites. I don’t want to know the calories…sometimes ignorance is bliss. :)

All in all, it was a perfect birthday weekend. I managed to get a workout in both Saturday and Sunday, although I’m still kicking myself for the “fail” on Friday. Oh well.

This morning the scale teased me with a 242.6…but when I grabbed the camera and got back on to take a pic, it was at 243.4. I hate that scale. LOL I sooooo badly want to get out of the 240’s before I go in for my fill next Monday. No reason in particular…just a personal goal. :)

And now for my “reality check”. Dinnerland posted this (Dinnerland: Back to basics-- how I'm doing) and I want to start regularly using it as a tool to evaluate myself and really be accountable for where I need to make some changes. As she did, I will use a 10 point grading system. I’ll check in with this once a month, probably about a week before a fill (like today) just to really get a sense for where I am and what next steps I need to take.

Rule # 1: Eat 3-6 small meals a day. Only eat when hungry, and skipping meals is ok.
BJ’s assessment: My nutritionist wants me at 6 meals a day, so I modified Dinnerland’s reality check to reflect that. I win at this about 95% of the time. My fail was last week when I had two solid days of unending “munchies”. However, for the most part, I’m rocking this rule. I’ll give myself a .8.

Score: .8/1

Rule # 2: Eat Slowly (Wait at least 30 seconds between bites) and chew thoroughly.
BJ’s assessment: FAIL…I’m eating SLOWER…but I’m not eating SLOWLY, and I don’t think I’m waiting 30 seconds between bites. I’m going to work on this over the next week.

Score: 0/1

Rule # 3: Stop eating as soon as you feel full.
BJ’s assessment: This needs work. Right now I stop eating when I come to the end of my pre-portioned container. Unfortunately, the back discomfort I get from “being full” takes about 15-20 minutes to make itself apparent. I need to find a better/earlier “full” indicator.

Score: .5/1

Rule # 4: Don’t drink while you are eating.
BJ’s assessment: PASS! I do this one! YAY!!!!

Score: 1/1

Rule # 5: Don’t eat between meals.
BJ’s assessment: Again, since I’m supposed to eat 3 meals plus 3 snacks, I have to look at this differently. Am I eating between meals and snacks….mostly NO…but I have my moments, especially last week. I’m not at a “sweet spot” yet that small meals make me not hungry for 3-4 hours. Unfortunately, I get hungry in 1.5-2 hours depending on how much quantity I ate in the previous meal. On the weekdays though, my meals are planned out with snacks…I’m just grabbing the snacks earlier than I think I probably should be.

Score: .5/1

Rule # 6: Eat only fresh food.
BJ’s assessment: If by this they mean fresh as opposed to “processed”, then I think I might have a huge win here. If they mean something else (like no leftovers), then it’s an epic fail. I’m thinking they mean the former. I cook almost all of my own food now. I rarely eat out (except this last weekend where I ate out a LOT), and I don’t use a lot of canned or frozen foods. I make my own chili, soups, salads and oatmeal. I do rely on protein shakes once a day though…but I do this so that I can get my workout in without having to worry about having a full stomach or having to eat after exercise, before I go to bed…I’m gonna say that is still a win.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 7: Avoid extremely fibrous foods.
BJ’s assessment: Win. I ate broccoli in my yakisoba with chicken on Saturday though…first time eating broccoli I think since being banded…had no trouble with it. It was only like 4 pieces though. I didn’t go crazy.

Score: 1/1

Rule # 8: Drink enough water during the day; avoid carbonated beverages.
BJ’s assessment: WINNER!

Score: 1/1

Rule # 9: Only drink no-calorie or very low calorie drinks.
BJ’s assessment: Since I hate drinking calories anyway (i.e., juice, soda), this is an easy win…add the fact that I didn’t have a single bit of alcohol over my birthday weekend, and I think I should get bonus points!

Score: 1/1

Rule # 10: Exercise at least 30 minutes a day.
BJ’s assessment: While I am not up to 30 minutes EVERY day, I am doing so well in this category that I am incredibly proud of myself. Since March 1, I have exercised 10 out of 13 days (with exercise planned for after work tonight). I think that is pretty freakin awesome, baby! February I did 15 out of 28. I’m working my way up! I know I’m not at the “30 minutes every single day” level…but I’m going to give myself a high score for being so close.

Score: .9/1

Total: 7.7/10

So I have some work to do…

Friday, March 11, 2011

Shoulda, woulda, coulda

I told myself I would get up at 5am and workout this morning since I won’t have any time after work today. *Snort*…yeah, that didn’t happen. I’m trying to do a few things throughout the day…like maybe take the stairs for bathroom breaks…but these don’t really get my heart rate up because I move so slow. Oh well…I will pump some time out on the elliptical tomorrow morning for sure. I did do a weight lifting session with the trainer last night though. I just wanted to get something in “every day” this week, so I'm disappointed in myself.

As it stands right now, I’m still good to go to the day spa…but my weight is fluctuating in an upward direction the last couple days, so it’s entirely possible that “TOM” is going to hit sometime today just as scheduled. I’m still crossing fingers and toes that it stays away for the next 48 hours though. I’m a little bummed that I didn’t call to schedule a facial at the spa in time to get an appointment. Darnit! This was going to be my birthday gift to myself.

But let’s count all the things I’ve bought myself in the last few months, shall we:

• Weight loss surgery
• Personal training sessions
• 2 Coach purse’s (at the outlet store and additional 20% off total purchase…I’m not totally insane)
• A new outfit
• New shoes
• Partylite crap
• A trip to Portland
• A body scrub at the spa tomorrow

My point is…I’ve done a LOT for myself lately…I need to probably focus on something or someone else for a while. LOL…why am I whining about a stupid facial? And look at what is going on in the world…as if I have REAL problems. Ugh…I feel so selfish right now.

Anyway…back to me…

Oy, did I have the munchies yesterday. What was THAT? I’ve been feeling soooo content with my current band “fill” status and then BAM…I could have eaten a house yesterday, I’m sure of it. Fortunately, I was confined to that which I had packed in my lunch bag…THANK GOODNESS….if this had been a weekend day where I was at home with unlimited options, who knows what havoc I could have wreaked! I’ve said it a thousand times…but thank goodness I work 5 days a week or else I would surely be enormous. I don’t know how I managed to survive being unemployed for 5 months. It is interesting, though, that if I had been going in for fills based on Dr. H’s timeline, I would be going in for Fill #3 on Monday. However, this month I shifted it back a week because of work issues so now I don’t go in till the 21st. It will be interesting to see how hungry I am over the next week while I wait for this, although I’m feeling slightly less ravenous today. Maybe this has all just been “head hunger”. Or...maybe another sign of TOM coming. UGH!

Speaking of food...I just ate my slow cooked chicken with my tortilla soup broth for have I lived without this for all these years???

Happy Friday everyone! I wish I wasn’t stuck at the office till 6…but I am. What can ya do, eh?

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Free at last!

It’s over! It’s finally over!

My 23 day period has finally come to an end. WOHOOO!!!!

Of course…my cycle is only 26 days long generally speaking…so I can expect it to start again any day now. BOOOOO!

I hope the next one is the “3-5 days” that it is supposed to be…and I hope it doesn’t come before Sunday! My birthday is this weekend and I’m planning a spa day with friends at the local “Women’s Day Spa” on Saturday where they don’t want you to come in if it’s “that time”. I’m crossing fingers and toes that I will be spared this one day even though TECHNICALLY it’s supposed to start like Friday. Come on PROGESTERONE….work some magic for me this week!!!

I was allowed to join (late) the Spring Challenge this morning (THANKS NIKKI!!!) and I submitted my start-weight photo (which, if I did it correctly, can be seen below). I used today because yesterday I was still up 2 pounds of water weight from the weekend and I knew it wasn’t a fair “starting point”. But you know what’s cool about today’s weight? IT’S ANOTHER LOW!!! I weighed in at 244.2 this morning. I’m down a pound since my Mega Rant day last week! This is FABULOUS!

From Mar 8, 2011

I can’t believe I’m also already 2 weeks away from my next fill appointment. It seems like time is flying so fast!

My chicken turned out great…my house smelled AMAZING when I got up this morning. I really need to use the slow cooker more often…what an easy way to make something moist and delicious. I had the chicken in a wrap today…tomorrow I’m going to put it in my tortilla soup broth. Mmmmm….I’m counting the hours till lunch.

I did a much MUCH better workout today. I even powered through a migraine that came on at the end. Unlike most migraine sufferers, mine aren’t all that painful…I just can’t see anything. But who needs to see when you’re doing dumbbell flat flies? See…that’s why I powered through. :)

Monday, March 7, 2011

Still wiped out from the weekend

I did "sorta" workout tonight, but I'm almost embarassed to even call it a workout. I did 25 minutes on the elliptical and did some very simple Total Gym squats that didn't even raise my heart rate and by the end of the whole thing I had barely broken a sweat. I was just too exhausted to do much. Ugh...I hope to be well rested tomorrow. I'm going to bed early tonight. Thank goodness the trainer is coming tomorrow night to push me to a full hour of sweat.

I did a "quick" grocery run to stock up on some staples and left the store feeling so content with the fact that I didn't feel the need to buy anything I shouldn't have. It's a great feeling to see the cookies/chips/whatever on the shelf and be able to walk past it without grabbing it...while still knowing I actually could have it if I really wanted to. I just didn't want to. Wow...this is what "normal" must feel like to skinny people. In my prior life, I was always "about to start a diet" so would eat everything as if I would "never" get to eat it again. I was very much hoping that the band would help me change this habbit...and I think it totally has.

I put some chicken in the slow cooker tonight...attempting something I've never done before. I have a ton of "bone in" chicken in my freezer that I need to cook so I'm trying to cook it with taco seasoning and water in hopes that it will all just fall off the bone tomorrow and I'll have some great taco meat to portion up and put back in the freezer. I live for my portion controlled pre-cooked meals...I probably should take a picture of all my 1-cup Ziploc containers in the freezer. So far I keep a pretty constant supply of the following:

  • Black Bean Chili (312 cal, 30g prot)
  • Tortilla Soup Broth (Authentic Mexican Recipe from Food Network) (74 cal, 3g prot)
  • Chicken Tortilla Soup (from a package) (128 cal, 14g prot)
  • Potato Soup with Turkey Kielbasa (229cal, 10g prot)
  • Irish Oatmeal (150 cal, 5g prot)
  • Shredded Beef (Authentic Mexican recipe from Food Network) (234 cal, 20g prot)

These little frozen 1-cup servings are a LIFESAVER for me. Every day I pack my lunch bag with a frozen oatmeal for breakfast (I'm not good at eating before leaving for work), a soup or chili for lunch, and my Laughing Cow cheese wedge and 5 mini-crackers from Trader Joes for 1 snack, a cheese stick for another snack, and a sugar free pudding and a Activia yogurt to add to any of the meals if I feel like I need more food. Then I throw in a protein shake for dinner on the days when I can't eat solid food due to working out. I'm someone who can pretty happily eat the same thing every day during the week...and this totally works for me. Usually this helps me keep my calories low so that if I still want something after the workout or want to eat real food for dinner, I can. Tonight I had a Trader Joe's "Reduced Guilt" mac and cheese for 270 calories...totally hit the comfort food spot I needed it to hit.

I hope the chicken turns out...I've had a craving for some taco salad lately!

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Wow! Just a quick hello....

I'm just getting home from a super long, fun weekend and am so excited to see so many new followers! I have so much to talk about...but I'm seriously beyond exhausted right now so I just wanted to jump on and say a couple of things before hitting the sack.

First of all, HI! I'm so excited to have so many new people that I feel "accountable to"...I feel energized by this and can't wait to learn more about all of you!

Second, Thank you so much to the lovely Karin, Tina and Jenn for welcoming me and sharing so much wonderful knowledge and experience. I'm so happy I stepped outside of my little world to meet these lovely women...and thank you Karin for posting about my blog. Wow! I went from 8 to 24 followers in 24 hours...unbelievable!

Finally, I wanted to say thank you to all of you for your kind words in response to my "mega rant" post. I truly was having a couple of very difficult days. It would have been emotional to begin with but I'm sure the "progesterone" treatment I'm currently on probably sent me "over the edge". I have moved beyond it and I'm back to feeling very satisfied with where I am right now. More on this later....

For now, I want nothing more than to go to SLEEP in my own bed. I don't even want to caress the new Coach purse I bought to celebrate my 50lbs lost...too tired.

I think I was supposed to start the Spring Challenge this weekend. I'm VERY behind on reading blogs and am not sure what I was supposed to do. I did weigh tonight as soon as I got home from my weekend trip and took a picture of the scale...but I'm so swollen with retained water that I'm not sure that is a "fair" starting point. I will spend some time tomorrow figuring out exactly how I was supposed to properly participate in is my first challenge ever! :)

So motivated...and so grateful. I will write more soon!

Thursday, March 3, 2011


I’m so confused, and sad, and feeling a little hopeless with a splash of angry. This is not at all weight related.

An old flame posted on his FB last night that he is having a baby. First…I didn’t even know he was seeing someone, but second, what kills me is the fact that I wanted kids is one of the reasons he pulled away to begin with.

I’ve been in love 4 times in my whole life…Andy, James, Lyall and this guy, R. There have been crushes and many, MANY first dates…some even “short relationships”, but only actually fell in love 4 times. R and I had a super strong connection, some smoking hot passion, and we could talk for hours and hours and hours. We had many common life experiences that we bonded over. I really loved him…but he was scared to death to be with someone because he had been so hurt in past relationships. My friends all called him “The relationship runner” before he and I ever got together…I shoulda listened but there is that part of you that always hopes that “it will be different if the bond is strong”…I guess I was wrong.

This opened up that scab a little bit…but the wound was deeply gouged by the next bit of news I received. A friends younger sister is pregnant. This sister won’t keep a job, relies on her parents for support, and is in the hospital every 2 weeks with complications due to diabetes because she refuses to take care of herself. She can have a baby…but I can’t.

I’ve wanted a family ever since I can remember. When I was with Andy, I waited because I wanted us to be married and I wanted to finish school, so I took proper precautions and managed to never get pregnant…even though he got everyone he touched pregnant. When I was with James we were careful…waiting for the “right time”. I spent all of my prime years “waiting for the right time”. When I turned 32 I decided I didn’t want to wait for “Mr. Wonderful” anymore and the time was right…I owned a home, a new car, and made $70k a year. I knew I wanted this and I did everything I could to make it happen. I worked with a fertility doctor, doing medications and inseminations. I went to an acupuncturist to regulate my cycles, I watched what I was eating…I did everything you can imagine. But after 2 years of trying…nothing. So I took a break from it needing some time to regroup. I took in a foreign exchange student for a year, sort of a test run for mothering a teenager. LOL…not quite the same, but it was something.

And then I got pregnant by accident when I was 34…but found out only after the miscarriage had already started. “Good news”, the doctor said, “at least we know you are capable of getting pregnant!”

I turn 37 in less than 2 weeks…I’m constantly being pressured by my doctors to have my ovaries removed because of my cancer risk. I’m bleeding 2-3 weeks at a time for my cycles now…and one of my cancer screenings just came back “elevated” enough to cause concern. It’s like the entire universe is against me having kids….but for everyone else, it just comes so damn easy. People that never even wanted kids have them…and yet I’ve wanted and waited for the “right time” my whole life, and where does it get me?

The whole cycle thing is driving me batty. I’m down 50 pounds from my heaviest and still fighting cycle issues. This is ridiculous. I feel like I can’t win. I’m nervous about the elevated HE4 test, but won’t know anything until the next round of blood tests. The only thing my doctor can do to control my bleeding is to put me on birth control…but I don’t want that because I don’t want to miss an opportunity to actually get pregnant.


AND then…I find out this morning, that there was some “catty talk” about me from a group of people I went dancing with a couple weeks ago. I didn’t even do ANYTHING and yet I’m being accused of flirting with other people’s boyfriends, who I don’t have the LEAST bit of interest in. WTF!!!!! Can’t I go out and have a fun night full of laughs and conversation without being accused of being a man-stealer? Really? I was dancing with GIRLS on the dance floor…I didn’t flirt with a single soul that night…so what am I supposed to do? Sit there on my hands and not smile? No…no…that will make me a stuck-up bitch…I’ve been called that before, too.

At least I have the working out/weight loss thing going for me…scale was down to 245.4 this morning. That’s something…