Monday, June 11, 2012
Bring on the spicy food?
I don’t know when it happened…but lately I’m in love with spicy food. I discovered the “hot chicken bowl” at the local teriyaki joint, which has spicy chicken over steamed vegetables (hold the rice), and that started my downhill role into this new addiction. Scott makes a simple “steak and cheese taco” on a low carb shell that includes hot sauce…and lets me take a few bites to feed my desire. I can’t do a whole taco myself because the low carb tortilla gets stuck, but a few meaty bites go down ok. Then…this last weekend, he made a sausage and egg breakfast burrito on a low carb tortilla which I took one bite of and announced that it needed hot sauce. WTH? Who is this person? I never liked hot sauce before!
My weight is holding steady between 181 and 182. But my biceps look fantastic! And the abs that are still covered by my protective layer of fat…well…they would look great too, if you could see them.
The wedding is 97 days away. My 20 year high school reunion is a mere 29 days away…I’m probably slightly more concerned about that. I’m already 30 lbs lighter than I was as a freshman…but I wouldn’t mind being even smaller. However, my head seems barely in this game anymore. I’m still struggling to get 4 days of exercise in per week, but I am at least getting the 4. Food is an issue. My latest band fill is quite adequate to restrict to much of anything and just a bit of some things like dry chicken, steak and most bread related items…but I still can tend to choose things that go down just fine…like cake or chocolate. I don’t know WHY I’m choosing these things. I’m sure it all goes back to whatever caused me to be overweight my whole life to begin with. To give an idea of what’s going on, I can eat a normal 1 cup serving of pretty much anything just fine…I’m not “too tight”…but I find myself craving milk shakes and ice cream and cookies and things…all the while thinking that I can get a LOT down without problem. So it’s not that I want it because it’s a slider food and nothing else is going down…I seem to want to eat in quantity in general "just because". That is why I’m saying this has something to do with old behaviors…the urge to binge…It has reared it’s very ugly head.
I am planning on attending a gastric banding support group tomorrow evening for the first time since being banded a year and a half ago. I think I need it now to get my head back in the game. Could I be happy at 180 forever? Probably…but I really want to try to get to 160…I really, really do.
The stuck issues are very frequent nown (once a week). At some point I might have to ask for a slight un-fill if I can’t get my head to stop either eating too fast or eating things I know I shouldn’t eat. But I have a conundrum in that there are some meals that go down fine that I think I should easily get stuck on (6 oz’s of spicy chicken PLUS 1 cup of steamed cabbage goes down without sticking at all…that is way too much food!), and other meals that get stuck that don’t make as much sense (4 bites of steak? Really?). So it’s almost Russian roulette of seeing how each meal will go.
For lunch today I had a protein shake and, of course, broccoli slaw. Nothing got stuck, but I got my “uncomfortably full” signal (of course 20 minutes AFTER I was done eating…that’s of no help). That didn’t even make sense to me. I had the protein shake first, which theoretically should have slid right on through the band, and then topped off with my veggies (the broccoli slaw), which was limited to ½ cup, and THAT made me feel full? How? I just don’t get it. How can it be explained that I enjoyed pasta with meat sauce last night, had a 1 cup serving and felt just fine?
My sister got an un-fill right before her wedding so that she could enjoy her reception without as much restriction. Lately I’ve been wondering if I should do that…mostly because I’m worried about PB’ing in front of every friend and family member I have in my beautiful white dress. Ugh…and then on the cruise a week later? Oh no…I just can’t decide. Most of me wants to work within the band limitations like I should without getting an un-fill at all…but I guess I will have to decide as I get closer to the event. Incidentally, 3 weeks before the wedding, my fiancé and I are being treated to a dinner at the Metropolitan in Seattle. The same part of me that wants and un-fill for the wedding would like to schedule an un-fill prior to this blessed event…because whenever, in my life, am I ever going to get the chance to eat a $50 steak again???? But if I get the un-fill for that, it would need to be the week before, which would be 4 weeks before the wedding….what are the odds that I would still fit into the wedding dress by the end of the 4th week? Yeah…not great.
It’s all a mind game that I’m losing right now. Fortunately you can’t tell by my weight…I mean at least at this moment it is not going up…but think how much better I would be if I were doing everything correctly. That thought just ticks me off worse. I don’t know how to fix my brain! UGH!