Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Last pre-op day!!! I hope...

Feeling good...I think most signs of illness are gone. No fever, no sores in the back of my throat, very minor cough...I hope that will be gone by the end of the day. I think my body is a "go" for surgery.

I'm on all liquids today...protein shake for breakfast, lunch and dinner with snacks of jell-o and broth to get me through. I guess this is what the next week will be like anyway.

I got on the scale this morning and was greeted with a lovely 259.8. Hot dog! I broke out of the 260's! Then I laid down for 5 minutes to revel in my triumph and got on the scale again just to see the lovely numbers one more time...and it was 260. Bitch. WTH? LOL...no water consumed, nothing was different. Oh yeah...I actually took my wooly socks OFF since the first weighing, so if anything it should have been less. Can I just pretend that the real weight was 259.8? I wanted it so bad! hmph!

Today I should get "the call" with my check in time. So nervous/excited/scared/everything. I keep having flashbacks of bad memories from my last surgery at that hospital. I have to constantly remind myself that this time will be different...it's not the same...it's not NEARLY the same. But the memories remain. I can't wait to take that Ativan tomorrow.

I wish Sherri were here. I remember waking up in ICU late the first night after surgery with her there by my side. Sonja will be there to take care of me though...so I'm not alone.

That reminds me of another "bad memory"...not only was walking in their doors and down their hallway to anesthesiology the last time I "walked" as an able-bodied person, but I walked that hall with James. When I woke up from surgery the first face I saw was James. James was there when they diagnosed the spinal cord injury. He came to the hospital every day to visit, even if it was just to kiss me goodnight. All the staff thought he was wonderful...and all the while he was starting his new relationship with Leah in Sydney. Ugh...this event is going to be full of bad memories.

Here's what I want. This needs to be "redemption" time for Virginia Mason. On May 20, 2002, I walked into that hospital, expecting to have a surgery that was going to change my life in all these positive ways. Instead the world crashed down around me. This is my second chance. This surgery tomorrow will be life-changing in a positive way. It will go off without a hitch. I will stand up as soon as I'm supposed to be able to, I will walk down the hall like any other person would after surgery, and I will leave the hospital tomorrow night, tired, but with this new tool in me that will help me to not only lose weight, but hopefully gain back some of the mobility that I lost in 2002. I will be treated with respect by the hospital staff, and I will not regret this decision.

It's redemption time.

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